


I'm Going to be Someone New

by HomesickAlien



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-13 12:22:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14112249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HomesickAlien/pseuds/HomesickAlien
Summary: bunch of drabbles i wrote while crying about repayfes





	1. smile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think if you could see my drafts you'd understand what i mean when i say im slow. i think i wrote maybe 5 or 6 different versions of this fic. in one version, i wrote about ra*bits and valkyrie interacting, in another i wrote more about shuu and nazuna meeting post-grad, and in another i actually had shuu and nazuna talk to mika and stuff about mika forming his own unit and all. the ending seems kind of abrupt in retrospect, this is definitely the shortest version, but it's my favorite, i think.  
> i write about tanabata a lot bc im in love with hikoboshi/orihime shnz but this is by far the most non-romantic tanabata i've ever written. what a sham i am. sorry to be disappointing.

This definitely wasn’t for him.

Even if he’d once imagined maybe there were some kind of singular connection, between him and Itsuki, it’s never been clearer to him how selfish he’d been. Not for running away, or finding his own happiness, but for hoarding it all for himself. Though he could praise Valkyrie the entire night long, to the morning when they’ll be separated again, that’s not quite the same as sharing happiness, is it?

There’s so many things besides Nito that Itsuki has lost grasp of since their time together. His art that he loved so dearly lies in ruins before him. His own meaning of life, washed away with the tides over one simple, childish mistake. And just as he preaches valiantly atop such a wondrous stage, Nito realizes, he’s lost all of them, too, in a way. His friends– _though they’re still all so endeared to one another_ – will never be the same as they were in the days they’d spent together a year prior. Nothing between the lot of them, these seniors of Yumenosaki Academy, will ever be the same.

They’re all changing, whether they’d desired to or not. Little by little everyday, it’s impossible to deny their past as anything more than a memory, now. Something to look back on fondly, nostalgically, as they begin to find their adult selves. Everything’s falling apart, like petals falling from flowers in the spring. The things they once grew complacent to, grown attached to, even, will never be as they were before Tenshouin crashed into their lives.

 _Is that such a bad thing?_ He wonders. _Will Itsuki be okay like this?_

Even if this is all he can offer, he can’t help but smile at their performance on stage. It isn’t desperate or painful, anymore. It doesn’t have to be. It might sting Nito, just a little bit, to have to read aloud _fine_ as the superior unit, the most successful and well adored, but seeing Valkyrie perform with all their hidden depth was certainly worth it. How shameful it is they’ve only crawled out of their shell to protect him. To fend off Shuu’s nightmare. Nito isn’t as strong as he thinks he is, not yet, but with just this…

With his smile, could he protect Shuu as well?

Nito’s happiest moments in life, his special place, they’re not the same as when he were a child. Itsuki must see that, too. That even if they try with all their might, they won’t be able to grasp it, again. The Valkyrie between the three of them, their friendship as it was back then, but wouldn’t it be well enough if they could start it all over again?

To be friends with the adult Itsuki Shuu, the one who’s kind and courageous, fighting up on stage to protect all of them… And the adult Nito Nazuna, the one who’s stumbling about to understand what it means to be human. The one who’s overprotective yet still so thoughtless. The one who’s accepting this feeling of pain just as his past mentor had to burden it in the past. Just as a proper human should.

 _I want to meet him._ He thinks.

 _I want to meet him,_ he thinks, and his voice is so much louder in his mind than the message in his brain to move forward. Before he knows it, before he can move his legs at all, Valkyrie has already long since left the stage. They’ll enjoy the rest of the festival alone together, and for the lot of them this whole night will pass away like a dream. He wonders if he’ll even remember a second of it in the morning, if he could ever accept this.

 _“Amazing!”_ Nito hears a familiar call that alone would probably knock him out of his daydreams, but it’s the aggressively kind pat to his back that gets him moving again. “It’s love, after all!”

“Wataru…” Nito sighs. He could say anything at all and it would go right over this one’s head. He’s such a loudmouth, the type of performer who can’t seem to exit the stage at all, but it’s those things he likes about his friends. The things that make them irreplaceable to him, even if they’re different people from yesterday, Nito doesn’t have that kind of relationship with them that he can compare and contrast the past. He can only keep starting over, anew, until he gets this life right.

“Did you grant your fans wishes? Take back your job.” Nito deadpans, tossing the microphone back into Wataru’s hands. “I can’t waste this second act of kindness, now.”

“Is that so? Then you won’t send him off at all?”

“Not at all. It would be unwelcomed and unnecessary.”

“I wonder where it is you pull your conclusions from, little rabbit.” Wataru grins, “Is this not the only night in the year the two of you could speak honestly together, Hikoboshi?”

“We aren’t lovers. We’re not even partners, anymore. We’re totally estranged, you know?

Nito blushes, despite his own immediate rejection of his friends thoughts. Rather, it’s the profuseness of his denials that clarify how little he’s able to fool anyone. Except, perhaps, Shuu, who is an overtly sensitive boy who cries at the drop of a dime. Even if his tears are dry-eyed, he’s still brimming with the innocence of a heartbroken child, the polar opposite of Nazuna after all.

“I’ll speak to him with my songs if he decides to stay.”

“Oh? So, you don’t wish to perform together, then?”

Nito shrugs his shoulders, looking over the crowd that’s dispersed quite a bit since the shows end, going out to food stalls and such to enjoy the festivities. He wonders if it’ll always be like this, his unit just picking up the scraps of others. Be the offer from Keito or Tenshouin or even the salvation of Itsuki Shuu, he’s not really fighting for anything at all. He’s always been so…

“Nah, I’m not an actor or anything like that, I’m an idol, after all. A selfish idol.” He pauses, turning back to face Wataru with a smile. “Our aesthetics are totally clashing, anyway. It would be futile for us to perform together, I still want to win, but there’s no chance of that ever happening, you know?”

Itsuki Shuu and Nito Nazuna aren’t really competing at all, though. But regardless of how they view their odd and estranged relationship, nostalgia will always be in favor of Valkyrie over Ra*bits. In the end, Nazuna’s worth and value with always be compared to the past he’s running away from. Even if he gets so strong as to fight back, so fast he can finally get away from it all, there will still be hints of that agonizing and humbling beginning of his spiting him to his grave. Even if his God agrees to let him go, he’ll never be forgiven of his sins. And so it is that just like Valkyrie was, Ra*bits will always be a passtime, for him.

“Perhaps you should take the stage, now, before everyone runs off.”

Wataru smiles, pushing Nazuna forward back toward the stage, like he weren’t capable of moving forward himself. Sometimes he agrees with that, actually. There’s been so many wonderful people at his side, or rather, people he never knew could be so wonderful before Tenshouin brought it out in all of them. People besides Kagehira and Itsuki, people who are Kagehira and Itsuki… All together, if it’s their last year together, they’d might as well make the most of it. He thinks it over and over again, but…

“Yeah, yeah.” Nazuna nods his head, skipping forward, “Wataru. You told me to smile, not to sing with him. It doesn’t matter, if we’re together or not. As long as we’re both happy…”

He never does catch sight of that. Of Shuu’s smile. He sees their most precious producer with eyes lit up bright as the skyline, taking on one stand after another with her dearest classmates. With Kagehira and his friends, that strange thing neither he nor Nito have ever really had before. He sees his own children waving to get his attention, blocking his view of the past, of how things used to be, and reminding him where he stands today. Where he has to be, and he smiles back at the future, no matter how bleak and uncertain it may be.

“Nah, that’s just me being selfish, again. Things are fine as they are. Now, why don’t you go take care of your own princess, huh~?”

Nito waves him off with a smile, reuniting with his kids. Even as he says that, he wonders if things are really going to be okay for him. For Valkyrie. For his precious family. Would it be okay not to chose? Is it even an option, anymore? He’s happy to take care of them, straightening out their outfits and quickly rehearsing their moves one more time before their second stage. Of course he’s happy, now, but it’s not the happiest he’ll ever be.

He wonders if there’s really a such thing as apologies, for him. As saying sorry. No matter how many times he sends off his prayers, he feels like he’s committing a crime in every step he takes. Things can’t keep going on like this forever, but no amount of wishing will ever release him from the chains of sin.

He just has to keep moving forward. For every road block he reaches, it’s just time for Shuu and Mika to catch up to them. If they could keep taking care of each other silently, like casual friends do, perhaps that would be the best possible outcome for him. One that he’s chosen himself. One without interference or conflict.

“Alright, guys. Let’s go out there and show them what we can do.”

 

☙♡❧

 

Being a leader is a lot harder than it looks.

Although, for Kagehira Mika, who has always taken charge of his unit, it should be like second nature. Working hard day after long, arduous day for fund money, or practicing routinely with or without his old Mentor’s guidance, those things are still easy for him. But he’s always finding himself asking for advice to the clear skies above, the presence that used to be their is now just an empty white room. He hates choreographing shows, or taking the lead, even when Anzu gives him consistent praise. There’s still so much of him that wishes to fall back into easier days, of just living in the shadows free of life’s burdens.

It’s not so bad, to maintain something as beautiful as Valkyrie all on his own. He doesn’t call it that, anymore, but he hasn’t actually come up with a replacement for it either. Something entirely his own, without a shred of the past, is maybe something he’s always longed for in the first place. Yet no matter how many kids he invites at his side, he can’t say he’s found anything especially precious like Valkyrie used to be.

He’s such a boring senior. He really wasted his wishes as a child on silly things like candy when he ought to have been wishing to be just a year older. Just old enough that his entire life could have aligned like the planets with Shuu’s own.

He sighs at the thought, because ultimately that would be just as boring of him. He can’t stay in the shadows as an idol and least of all as a senior. All this time, for such a long time since Nazuna left them, he had been front and center of Shuu’s performances. Just like an idol should be, performing with a smile for all the people who still loved them dearly. He can’t think of many ways to repay that kindness of their fans with two down, now.

Well, he supposes they’ve always liked him, too. But he’s never felt like he could fulfill the role of being the face of Valkyrie. No matter how he slices it, or how his old seniors had encouraged him, he’s nothing like them. Rather, he’ll never be able to become like him, to melt into him and perform as one. It’s not Valkyrie he’s leading on but the image of Valkyrie, the face of God that he’s carrying on his shoulders.

“Heyy~ What are you doing just standing around catching flies~?”

“Nn…. A-Anzu?”

Mika turns his head, closing his mouth subconsciously and losing grip entirely of his own thoughts. It really is so easy to shake him out of himself, he’s just so stupid after all, but not without kindness. He smiles at her and greets her in kind.

“Sorry, sorry. I was just thinkin’, that’s all.”

“What were you thinking about?”

She smiles, and they both know it will end up going unspoken, regardless. Anzu knows Valkyrie very well, somewhat by sheer chance than out of a desire to salvage them. Their circumstances aligned up oddly well, but it’s taken too long for Mika to accept her as a person who cares. To accept anyone, even his Mentor, as people at all.

That’s how it is, really. Even if he’d promised Nazuna he’d do his best to smile, he’s having just as much trouble figuring out how to be human.

“Aren’t you gonna go on stage? The nights almost over you know? You didn’t sew this outfit for nothing, did you… You did make it, right?”

She’s so talkative with him, which he guesses shouldn’t surprise him so much when she was one of the first people he felt he could open up to, as well. Girls gotta stick together, after all, but he’s feeling a little bit lonely now that their school is co-ed. Even if he’s made lots of friends with them, too– _his fans_ , he thinks– so has she. Anzu, their producer, isn’t as mysterious or distant as she used to be. She’s smiling so often, these days, like she’s finally found her true happiness, and yet he…

“Nnahh, don’t say it like ya can’t tell all the mistakes I made.” He laughs, “I really ain’t cut out for it, ya now. It’s a real pain Mentor and Tsumugi went an’ left the handicrafts club in my hands, ain’t it?”

“Seniors are such a pain, aren’t they?” She says, pulling her hair behind her ear, “We’re gonna be such a pain to them, too. I wonder what you’ll do if you grow attached to your new Valkyrie before you graduate.”

“Too late f’r that. How could I say no to ‘em and all, though? S’like, a miracle they all came to me in the first place. We ain’t Valkyrie anymore, too.”

“Yeah,” She hums, “When are you going to come up with a name? I can’t keep announcing you, like ‘The still unnamed unit, I promise they’re all very talented even without a name!’ You know…?”

“Sorry, sorry, I’m always causin’ ya trouble, ain’t I?”

“You’d cause me less trouble if you’d just do as you’re told. Boys are such a hassle.”

“We’re just one boy though.”

Mika chuckles, patting Anzu on the head soft and melancholically.

“Don’t worry ‘bout it, I’ll go up and perform next. I gotta grant Valkyrie’s fans’ wishes, ya know? I’m… The only one who can do that, anymore.”

“And what about fans of Yumenosaki’s one and only Unnamed Unit?”

“Ya mean just Anzu, huh?”

“You’re more popular than you think. I hope you win, so you can grant my wish after all…”

“And what wish would that be?

“To come up with a name already.” She says, shoving him forward to the steps leading backstage. “Now, go on, I’m not gonna wait any longer, you’ve got a chance now take it, already!”

Before he has any chance to complain about it, she’s already several steps ahead of him, announcing valiantly their presence to the stage that he just can’t ignore. He’s the one who’s supposed to be taking charge, asserting his place as a performer, but he’s still the same idiot child Shuu had picked up out of the garbage after all. It’s almost too painful to say he loves it, now, when he hasn’t learned a thing at all from being a teenager.

He sighs longingly, with a smile, going off to collect his other two unit mates for Anzu. It’s so the opposite of how things used to be, he’s like a single father leading on two bright eyed newbies of his own, as opposed to the family Valkyrie used to be. If it ever was. The past is so muddled up with the present, with nostalgia as well as tragedy, that he can’t really reconcile with what’s real and what’s a fantasy for him, any longer.

But if he distracts himself with his thoughts again, he won’t be able to perform at all. This stage, Tanabata, is so comforting and it is painful. It was their first real stage, together. The one that kept them together, kept Valkyrie alive and breathing. And even if it was only to protect a traitorous heathen, all it did was cause further schism in their relationship.

It feels as though nothing they ever did was right.

“Senior Mika, are you at least gonna smile while we’re singing?”

“You always look so gloomy. Hello? Are you even still there?”

The girl waves a small hand over Mika’s eyes, and he blinks once or twice in response, trying with all his might to fake it the way he used to have perfected to a T.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m here, alright. Don’t worry ‘bout me none, I’ll be alright.”

“You better be. I don’t know how I’d sleep at night if we lost.”

“There’s nothin’ wrong with losin’, though.”

Mika smirks, just a little bit, speaking more for himself than the two of them. He’s a terrible sore loser, no matter how he slices it he’s always been this way. But he can’t be like that, not as a leader. Not when he’s the one they’ll have to rely on if they ever really do fail. It strikes him just how strong and weak his own seniors were. How strong they were for him and how weak they were for each other.

Even if he wants to be, he’ll never be like Shuu. That’s why he has to be better than Shuu. Better than Valkyrie. Proudly, and swiftly, he’ll surpass his parents the way they raised him to be. He would never give his fans a half-baked show, anyway. If he has to smile, only for a short time, he’ll do it with all the pride in the world to show them Valkyrie isn’t dead, yet.

He performs with all he’s got, but it’s not quite so grim and gruesome the way things were last year. Girls have this kind of magic, he thinks, to be soft and endearing but neither weak nor frail. They’re performances have always been light as snow, they teach him so many methods of expressing his thoughts without being stiff as a doll. It’s so dreadfully humanistic it’s almost just as uncanny, nevertheless. Even if it’s not the most apt comparison, he feels like the monster in a horror film finding love, all on his own. It’s freeing and heartfelt, but he hasn’t really learned how to write songs to match that passion.

Really, it’s so much work to be an idol the way Shuu imagines it. The kind who does everything but sell himself all on his own. Mika’s been scrambling to figure out where Shuu found the time to do all these things. To create new outfits, craft new stages, write new songs, construct new choreographies, all before their next shows. He’d only thought about it every once in a while, when Shuu had forced him to do so, but back then he at least had someone to ask for help when he’d get stuck. Even if he calls Shuu at odd hours in the evening, for him, it’s not the same as having someone physically their to lead him.

It’s such a lonely experience, but he’s learning to say things bluntly better with every passing day. To say, _I need help,_ or, _I’m not sure what to do_. And it’s so immediate, the response of love that comes from everyone around him. He’s not alone at all, anymore. Valkyrie… Kagehira Mika, he’s a boy full of love, after all.

Even if the edges are rough and rigid, he’s a diamond after all. A shooting star made to be wished upon, to grant hopes and dreams and things like that. He’d only come here to reunite himself with God, with Shuu, but he can’t help but smile brightly with tears in his eyes when he’s up on stage without him.

He really loves being an idol. He doesn’t want to love it this much.

“Even though they still don’t have a name, everyone voted for them anyway, huh?” Anzu announces their win so lackadaisically it doesn’t feel real at all, to Mika. “I wonder who’s wish Yumenosaki’s newest Sovereign will grant, hm~”

He can’t help feeling like she’s enjoying herself far too much, these days. Like she’s always trying to fill in the void someone else has left behind, just like Mika himself, it’s painful to watch her try so hard. He can’t even acknowledge her faults until he accepts his own, but there’s nothing more boring in a story than a protagonist without any flaws at all.

“Nnah, Ya just gotta… Close your eyes and pick ‘em at random, like this!”

Mika covers his eyes with one hand, throwing up his arm and pointing out into the crowd with his other. It’s so rude and carefree, in the same vein as what he’d just been criticising his producer for. They’re such simple people, not cut out for this world full of rules and formalities. If Mika could just stay like this forever, a child without worries, he’d  give anything to do just that.

Anzu gets on her tip-toes to peek over his shoulders, picking out one in a million as close to where he’s pointing as she can. She points at the one in the crowd alongside him, speaking up into her microphone.

“Uh-huh, then, the most unbelievably handsome guy in the middle there, it is? Please say your wish as loud as you can!”

“Kagehira.”

Mika starts at the sound of such a familiar voice ringing in his ears. He peeps through the crack of his fingers with wide eyes, just to ascertain if he heard the guy right. But even when he catches his eyes, he can’t really believe what he’s seeing is true.

“M-Mentor?!”

“Mika, I wish that you would smile.”

“B-big brother Nazuna, too?!”

Nazuna balances on his toes, waving brightly with a gentle smile painted over his lips. Of course, it would be the two of them to go out of their way to support him with all their heart, that even if Mika wanted to be angry about it he can’t help but grant that very wish. It’s all anyone ever asks of him, all anyone seems to want from him, but it’s the first time in so long he’s been able to smile like this.

Even if it’s hard, Heaven isn’t without its trials, afterall.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment please. instant love from me is talking to me about tanabata shnz, it in every single one of my fics some way or another. milky way is the oasis i drink from. thank you.


	2. One More Life To Live Without Regrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first one shot i wanted to write. I was really endeared to Nazuna saying he only went to Church for cookies. It reminded me of myself as a child.  
> Instead of being a good boy and going to bed early for Church, I'm staying up all night writing bad boyfriend fanfiction. Happy Easter, everyone!

He wonders where it is he’s going wrong.

That thought applies to plenty of aspects of his current situation. In being an idol, in being a student, in being partners with a person who’s done nothing but exemplify everything he hates, but most of all in baking. He’s never really made anything sweet like this prior, but that’s the job of an idol after all. To please their fans year round, it’s not really much of Valkyrie’s image at all, but Nito can’t keep himself from being the slightest bit excited for holidays like this.

He’s never really bothered much with those kinds of things before. Celebrations are always a hassle, most of all for socially inept people like Nito, but now they’re just another show. Another performance he can execute as perfectly as any other, even if it takes begging Shuu to participate with him, they’ve always been pleasant breaks from the otherwise ultimately bleak days at Yumenosaki.

Though, they don’t really break the mold or anything of the sort. The school still suffers from their terrible reputation and all, but Valentines is special in it’s own right. Even the laziest lot of students can make the effort of going to the store for some cheap chocolates and repackaging them for fans, but Valkyrie would uphold their trying-to-hard aesthetic even in that manner. At least, Nito certainly would, he hadn’t really gotten to the point of asking Shuu what he thinks.

“They look alright, but they don’t really taste as sweet…”

He’d stolen the recipe from the old ladies of his old church, but he hadn’t really thought to ask for advice or anything like that. He’s never done something like this before, baking or cooking food, that’s still something for his parents to do for him. He should probably be thankful he hadn’t burned anything down or something like that. In fact, most people would probably see them as just as perfect as Nito himself, but there’s something entirely nostalgic that seems to be missing, some kind of secret love he’s not sure he has to give.

They taste less like home and more like a manufactured treat. Just like the idol he is now, just following along Shuu’s whims like a broken doll. He feels so stale he might fall apart any minute.

“Nito, are you home?”

He hears a call from the front door. It startles him out of his thoughts, and he’s far too offended to answer back until Shuu speaks up again, peeping into Nito’s kitchen without any care in the world for subtlety.

“Nito, what are you doing in here…?”

“G-Go away!”

Nito acts abruptly, throwing the cookie in his hand he’d been taste-testing directly at Shuu’s forehead. As expected, Shuu reacts more dramatically than he probably ought to, holding his head in some kind of agonizing pain with a look of pure offense that keeps Nito from being too upset by his intrusion. It’s almost a game for him to tease Shuu like this, but right now he’d rather disappear entirely. The pain from embarrassment outweighs any success he might garner from a point in their trackless game of one-upping one another.

“O-Ow? What was that for, Nito?”

“Go away. I’m busy.”

Itsuki Shuu is terrible at taking a hint. Nito’s words fly entirely over his head, losing all meaning as he begins to approach Nito proper, no matter how many things Nito haphazardly tosses at him. There’s a soft smile painted over his lips, one that expresses the foolishness only know by people blinded with infatuation. The same kinds of foolish people who buy into romantic holidays such as this one, that even if Nito swears on his life it’s just for their fans there’s always some kind of deeper meaning hidden in every move Valkyrie makes.

It is, after all, a part of their image to be as obtuse and stupid as possible.

“Are you making chocolates for Valentines? I actually came to ask if you’d like to do it together so this is as convenient as it gets.”

“It wouldn’t be meaningful if you helped me make them.”

“Why do you think that? We’re a package deal, not soloist, so of course our fans would dream of receiving gifts we made together, right?”

Shuu pauses, ultimately lost in his own fantasy, and Nito waits incredibly patiently for Itsuki to put the pieces together. He’s not as stupid as he seems, not as dense, but sometimes it does take a while for Shuu to connect with reality. He’s such a simple boy reading off a simple script of his own creation, the more complicated things get the more annoyed Shuu gets.

But it does click, eventually.

“Ah, don’t tell me there’s someone special you were making these for?”

Nito laughs resentfully at Shuu’s words. _This guy is so annoying,_ he thinks. _This guy is so stupid._

“It’s cute you think I have friends.”

“See, so we really should work together. Unless… Were you going to make them for me?”

“Actually, you’re right, we should work together, it’s so much more efficient.”

Nazuna shakes his hand dismissively, though it’s impossible to cut Shuu off before he’s finished saying his piece, regardless of relevance. Shuu is a dreadfully needy person, and he can’t stand the silence the way Nito excels at brooding in it. It’s more problematic for Nito, who’d rather never talk again at times, to have such a friend that’s constantly pulling the words out of his throat with his obnoxiously ignorant behaviour.

“N-Nito?! I-It’s fine if you want to make something special for me, don’t let me interrupt!”

Nito smiles.

Maybe Shuu isn’t ignorant at all. It bothers Nito to think someone cares that much about him to be this doting. He could barely begin to repay such kindness with cookies he loved as a child, but being able to bond over those things is something Nito never thought he’d like to do with anyone. It makes Shuu special, it makes him feel at peace to be making friends at all.

The world doesn’t seem as lonely as it did a year before.

“Isn’t it more romantic to make things together…”

“Ahh… You’re right…! I want nothing more than to eat the fruit of Nito’s labor, but making something special like chocolates together is just as good.”

“God your annoying.” Nito says, but in spite of his harsh demeanor he laughs just a little bit. “If you want to be useful, why don’t you go to the store and pick up some more ingredients for me.”

Nito looks out the kitchen window with a gentle sigh slipping his lips. He’d been baking all afternoon despite never quite getting it right. It always seems like somethings missing in his life, even between the two of them, Valkyrie tastes like something half-baked and empty inside. He still takes every step in life like he’s all alone, without anyone to lean on, it must be even more lonely for Shuu.

For someone to be so endeared to him… Nito can’t tell what it is that makes Shuu so special, and him feel so small in this world. It’s pleasant and painful all the same to be with Shuu, but the reasoning for why he feels amicable for such a strange person is inexplicable even to him.

It’s the kind of wish-upon-a-star friendship that only happens once every few thousand years. It’s irreplaceable and yet too desperate to last an eternity. In Nito’s mind there’s no second chances promised to him. Every holiday feels twice as significant.

“I was just kind of testing this recipe, but if we’re really going to make these for our fans… There’s a lot of them after all. I’m not sure how many we should really make.”

Nito didn’t think it would be like this when he agreed to join up with Shuu. Even when he’d applied to Yumenosaki prior to meeting Shuu, he’d never thought about actually getting famous or anything like that. Valkyrie isn’t quite famous, but compared to everyone else they’re doing unnaturally better than most as student idols. It doesn’t change anything at all within the others, because even if Valkyrie does well, they lack the influence to change the industry as a whole.

The other, hapless idols will keep expending their monetary resources or leeching off of better idols to stay afloat as carefree as possible. It’s such a pain to work this hard, but he’s glad Shuu is getting half the recognition he probably deserves.

Even if Shuu is a genius, it’s not like he doesn’t work hard for it. Nito would be happier if they could start seeing each other as equals, but the problem isn’t really pride for Shuu. It’s infatuation.

“We have gotten rather popular after all, haven’t we? I’m… Happy things seem to be working out for us.”

“I’m happy, too. You work too hard to be undermined, after all…”

“It wouldn’t matter how hard I worked if I didn’t have you by my side, Nito. This is my ideal, after all. Thank you.”

Nito shrugs off the excessive compliment out of Shuu. That’s certainly something he could live without, yet if it were gone he’s not sure how he’d fill the tremendous hole it would leave.

He’d rather not contemplate those kinds of _what ifs._ They have enough of them to deal with as is. Like, what if someone surpasses them, or what if Shuu makes a mistake on his own perfect stage. What if Nito’s right about them needing another partner, and what if Shuu is right that he worries too much.

He probably does worry too much.

“Please don’t… Say things like that so earnestly… I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to something like that.”

“You don’t have to say anything at all.”

“Don’t say things like that.” Nito says, brings up one of his cookies to Shuu’s lips. “Hurry up and go to the store before it gets late. Valentines is just a few days away, you know?”

“O-Of course! Thank you, Nito!”

They stand in awkward silence for just long enough for it to be acknowledged in their actions. Nito starts cleaning up his workspace, again, and Shuu with nothing more to do slowly makes his way to the door out. Of course, it’s never enough to let life be, after five-some minutes with his sweaty palms round the handle, a thought does so occur to him that he’s scrambling back for the kitchen.

“You should come with me.”

“Why…”

“I don’t know what you need. And it would be more enjoyable to shop together.”

Nito can’t actually argue with the logic. Even if he were to make a list, the intimate details of the brands he prefers and the amount he needs will be lost on Shuu, as much as anyone else. As much as Nito is lost shopping for cloth. It’s such a pain to keep getting dragged away from this experiment he’s spent the whole day brooding over, and he’s more than aware Shuu is purposefully being obtuse as a means to get Nito out of the house.

Being an idol is enough publicity.

But he smiles, anyway, because he wouldn’t have much reason to leave without Shuu at his side. Maybe he would have been just like all the lousy idols he whines about in his head until it hurts to think anymore. He washes off his hands and takes off his apron, dusting off what he can from his shirt to look presentable before leading Shuu back out the door.

The walk is quaint, full of observations rather than conversations as they usually are. It’s not until about halfway to the store that Shuu says something unbearable and needless as he always does.

“Nito.” Shuu says, quietly. “Your cookie was delicious, but I think something made with love will taste even better than the things my lonely little Angel would craft on his own.”

 

☙♡❧

 

He probably ought to be getting back soon.

His kids, they’re entirely new to all this. Making gifts for their fans, they can barely sit still long enough for a normal days lesson, that to leave them alone with some seniors— _his juniors, he should say—_ he hardly knows is probably some bad parenting techniques to be picking up.

He doesn’t have the time to be bothered by it, though. He’d wasted enough time speaking about boring, irrelevant things to his teacher, that by the time he makes it to that worn out underground stage, Valkyrie’s show might be over and done with, making his detour more worthless than it needs to be. And it already is so unwarranted, he feels like a nuisance just showing up, but there’s no helping that.

Is it them working to hard, or none at all? He wonders if they’ll even bother to participate in the Chocolate Festival, or if they’re going to fall into the trapping of obscurity for all eternity. It’s not like they couldn’t form a balance between the two, but even Nito can understand what makes such a small stage so much more pleasant than being number one.

It feels almost as much like home as the handicrafts club once did. It seems wherever Shuu goes, and in turn wherever Valkyrie goes, they can make a home out of anywhere they choose to. Just like lost kittens in alleyways and factories.

And the complete opposite of rabbits.

He doesn’t stay long when he arrives, just long enough to see how they’re progressing along, today. It’s almost uncanny to see a smile painted so brightly on their faces, even if it’s exactly the outcome Nito was hoping for, something still seems to be off by just a few inches. It would be wishful thinking to truly believe just a pretty little smile everyday would wash away all their problems like the ocean waves engulfing their ankles. They’re both working hard in their own ways, but the encouragement of acknowledgement doesn’t hurt at all.

They always catch each others eyes when Nito chooses to stop by. It’s a poorly kept secret that he’s still endeared to them, just as much as it is that Shuu still dotes over Nito. It’s almost impossible to pretend, so much so that Nito doesn’t really bother at all, anymore. He’s just got a poor way of showing his love.

He’s awkward, and clumsy,and has never felt love strong enough to know how to express the concept to strangers. Even if they’re a family, the kind of love that never seems to break no matter how much it bends, nothing makes an apology after an outburst easy. At this point, Nito’s lost track of what it is he should be apologizing for, and anything he might apologize for would probably be deflected by Shuu regardless. It’s a pointless endeavor after all.

But seeing them perform this happily, it feels so unreal that something like this would have been impossible only a few months prior. It’s a reflection of himself, really. Nito isn’t certain when that fake smile he’d put on to justify his disappearance became so genuine, that he could never hope to leave those kids in good heart, and yet that day is inevitably coming.

He wonders what Shuu will do. He wonders what Mika will do, and what he himself will do. But the sound of music ringing in his ears brings solace to those thoughts that never really mattered in the first place. They’re just grains of sands between his fingertips, they’ll only stay if he forces himself to grip his hands eternally over them. Some things are better left to slip away, that is most certainly what it means to become an adult.

Nito smiles up at their stage, slipping away before the bows and applause that follow the end of a show. It’s more like a plea for things to never end, but one that's weak and stifled by his own acceptance of the inevitable. They’re getting older every passing day, and better at making amends with the feelings that were never there at all. They’re both so incessant, still, that even if they wanted to grow old alone their lives are always colliding into one another by some kind of cruel and unfortunate fate.

Even now, he knows as well as Shuu must they won’t be able to graduate without speaking again, and again, and again, and again. Until every itch to apologize is scratched and all their sins are forgiven, until they can have a real conversations, again. If they ever did, before. The past is so odd to reconcile with, even as he’s retold it time and time again, some details always seem to go unsaid, or changed in his mind for better or for worse.

Just as he’s making his way out from the underground stage, he thinks his kids must have finished up learning how to make chocolates. He can feel his phone blowing up with messages, messages that swear all is well and they’ve learned a lot and he’s certain neither of those things are true. His kids are so carefree and energetic and terrible liars, to boot. It’s more telling they think they need to assure him at all that things are fine, he smiles wondering who it is causing trouble this time.

 _I love them,_ he thinks, but refrains from specifying who. It seems his entire world has grown far beyond his reach, that he’s full of so much love to give even being an idol isn’t enough to get it all out of his system. His kids, and his classmates, and Shuu and Mika, too. If it were just the latter two, his world would be so simple and lonely, but being able to forgive everyone else in their school and make friends all on his own… Is this who he really is?

Or who he really was all along. He’d never thought he would have found something like that in him, a personality that’s all his own without a hint of falsehood. If it’s genuine love, the kind of love that comes from dedication without compromise, does Valkyrie feel it, too?

Maybe he ought to stop interfering so much and worry about his own problems, though. His phone might as well be playing it’s own melody for him to sing to the way his kids reach out to him. He smiles with every word he types out, not thinking twice about what it is he wants to say, anymore. He’d lose his mind if he’d kept it all inside, again, thinking over every possibility with fear and resentment in his heart. It’s fine even if they fail at every step they take, as long as it’s all together.

 _I love you guys,_ he says. _Let’s all meet up together and relax for the day._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment please  
> 


	3. Feelings Beyond Words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hairstylist shuu is the superior shuu  
> this chapter is half shuu & his sister and then shnz  
> i wrote a lot about cutting hair. that was probably the most exciting reveal for me in the entirety of repayfes. nothing else matters except for shuu wanting to be a hairstylist. someone please write this alternate universe shuu who does hair for a living.

“What do you think?”

Shuu half mumbles out, holding out strands of hair between the tips of his finger as he stares at himself in his sister’s mirror. He’s been looking over his hair for a while now, as he often does, it’s gotten pretty long since the year prior. In just a few weeks, he’ll be starting his first year of middle school, all alone without anyone to care for him as he had when he were a child. His siblings are too old to share schools with him, and his childhood friend, well…

It would be nice if he could find himself all on his own, for once. Nothing to do with what his family wants, or his grandparents, or his friends, or any other insignificant person in his life. There are the things he likes doing, things like sewing and singing and dancing, but what more could he do all of his own to fall back on, he wonders? 

Before, he’d tried his hand at make-up, as would be expected of a performer-- An idol, he should say. But it never seemed to sit proper on his face. His sister gave him a place to play dress up without any judgement, but criticism is another matter. She’d always laugh at how his face would come out, silly and childish, that even if she tried she could never really make him look passable. It’s always too much, too strange, much like the lot of things Shuu prefers in life. He’s a strange boy with strange interests, all around, but  _ that  _ were certainly a mistake.

And now, he thinks, as he watches himself in the mirror rocking from side to side, maybe he ought to do something about his hair.

“What do I think? About what?”

His sister responds, glancing over her book to him. She’d been comfortably relaxing in bed before Shuu barged in to her room, asking only for peace of mind his parents can’t seem to give him. While she might be harsh at times, the two of them can at least relate to one another’s hobbies. She makes good use of his talents, in sewing and the likes to salvage her favorite outfits, and he makes just as much use out of her domain. One that’s impenetrable to big brothers and fathers and grandfathers and the likes. Her room is like sanctuary, that even if she’s as catty as can be, he always feels most at home, here. 

“About my hair. Is it too long, you think?”

“You look like your brother. It suits you.”

“It’s definitely too long. I don’t want to look like him.”

She laughs to herself at such a snide comment. It’s not like they don’t get along well or anything, but it seems their youngest has always been stuck in his own rebellious phase. If he wants to be unique, to be different from all the rest of them, she would only be upset if it meant him being better than her at it.

Of all the fears in an older sister’s life, she thinks, letting go of her youngest to fly free on his own might be the worst of them all.

“You’re definitely overthinking things,” She huffs, sitting up and scooting off the edge of her bed, “Hold on. Let me go grab some things.”

Shuu’s sister rummages through a few different cabinets in a few different rooms, grabbing only what comes to mind when she thinks of getting her hair cut. When she returns, she’s taking control back of her room, moving about all the things Shuu had set up on her vanity. With a smile, she sets an armful of tools down, some scissors and razors for which she hadn’t a clue which would be most useful, and a few brushes and combs, too. Experimentation would be the key, as long as Shuu doesn’t mind a life of isolation if things go awry.

She shakes open a trash bag, pulling at the sides to tear open a hole in the bottom. Before Shuu can question her, or say anything at all really, she’s draping the bag over his shoulders. It’s a bit too big, and probably won’t catch any hairs rolling down his neck and back, but it makes due for what it’s worth.

“Well, there’s no time like the present, right? _ Little brother? _ ”

She puts emphasis on the last words, condescending with a smile, patting his head like he were a child. And to someone her age, he really is just a baby, after all. She’s already well into her adulthood, that’s so hard to reconcile with for someone so bright eyed and young as Shuu. Though he’s managed to live through so much, he’s still an innocent little thing wading through his childhood days, she’d like to see him smile just a little bit more, the way he used to when he had a friend to hold on to.

Memories are just memories, after all. How distracting they are. A haircut is truly the most symbolic way to let go of them, she thinks. This child still has so much to live for, so many things to say and accomplishments lying in his wake. If he can move forward, even just a little bit, she’d be happy to help him see it through.

“Sorry. I couldn’t really find any scissors for cutting hair, but…”

“I wonder where I should start?”

Shuu ponders curiously, tilting his head back and forth some more, antsy as he looks over himself in the mirror. How does he want to look, exactly? He’s never thought about it before. Usually his parents would take him to get his hair done, asking for it to be made up and styled a certain way. When they’d go out, his mother would comb through his hair and clean him up to be proper like as an Itsuki ought to be. It’s such an odd feeling for him to be allotted so much freedom, even if only in secret. 

“Should I cut it really short? What if I mess it up?”

He groans, running his fingers up through his hair. It’s messy and tangled from a long day of schooling, and he supposes that’s probably the most logical point to begin his escapades even if he doesn’t know where to take it from there. He thinks that and all, but his sister is quick on the uptake, holding his forehead in her hands.

“You’re a really handsome boy so I think anything would look pleasant on you.”

She smiles at him through the mirror, and even though he’s not the type to prefer being spoiled, he returns it in kind.

“You’re so talented, too.” She says, reaching over for her brush. “You learned how to sew outfits all on your own, too, huh? Bet this isn’t anywhere near as difficult.”

She runs through his hair two or three times, enough to get even the most stubborn of tangles free. He has such a soft and fluffy tuft of hair, that even when it’s messy and curled it comes off as absolutely adorable to her. It’s difficult for her to view him as her sibling and not like her very own child, how precious that is.

“I’m really not great at sewing, and…”

“You’re better than I am!”

“That’s because you don’t sew at all.”

Shuu pouts, but his sisters interjections keep him from dwelling on the loss of his teacher before he’d ever really mastered the art. Learning things all on his own, it’s less painful than taking the risk of losing anyone more, but his family is absolutely overbearing after all. 

“Let’s see, let’s see…” She hums, taking a hair-tie and tying up his long mane of hair. It’s only just barely touching his shoulders, but it feels massive compared to his own preference. What he thinks his preference might be, anyway. “Guess you should start with the length, huh?”

“Yeah… But… How short, do you think?”

“Guess we shouldn’t go too short. Mom would have a heart attack, huh?”

Shuu chuckles at the thought. How odd it would be. His family is so static in that regard, never changing. Always following the same dreaded path into inferiority, Shuu is nothing like them.

“Let’s go here.”

Shuu makes an imaginary cut with scissor shaped fingers on his hair, about halfway up his neck. Not too short or too long, a compromise right in the middle. For now, that would be just fine. 

Without even a second thought, he takes the amateurish scissors his sister brought for him, haplessly snipping off the excess of his past. His sister doesn’t make a comment, or scold him or anything like his mother probably would. She doesn’t tease or berate him the way his brother probably would. She doesn’t sling any kind of harsh insult at his feet the way his grandfather most certainly would. She’s so calm and quiet, hiding back in her shell and simply watching him work.

He doesn’t require commentary when he works. Rather, he absolutely loathes it. Sewing and dancing and singing, they’re all such meticulous jobs that demand every ounce of his focus to masterfully craft perfection. Shuu abhors the idea of multitasking, even if he’s always bothered into it one way or the other, he doesn’t much prefer it. Not a sound can disturb him, not when he’s a goal in mind. 

Still, his sister butts in when it’s necessary. Pulling away his shaky hands before he chops off his whole head of hair, and holding up a mirror help him shave the back of his neck. She offers to do it for him, but what would that teach him, after all? Such a burdensome boy, he always has to take everything up on his shoulders even as everyone who adores him offers out a hand to him. He can’t accept it, not even the tiniest bit. Perfection is a one man job, a stubborn child’s will, and he’ll uphold it to the level of God himself, if he must.

“Nn.. O-ouch!”

He yelps suddenly, dropping the razor on her floor to grip his neck. It’s just the slightest little nick against his skin, but when she pulls away his hand at the wrist there’s already blood welling up to make claim a scab over his perfect skin. It’s hardly alarming, yet he’s so dramatic about it.

“Sh-should I disinfect it?”

She pulls his forehead to look into his eyes. There so full of careless fear, from a child with nothing much to really fear. She breathes out a chuckle at such an overwhelming look of concern that’s painted over her brothers face, like he really might die of what’s ultimately a glorified paper cut.

“Sure it will be fine, quit worrying so much.”

He closes his eyes and sighs, leaning back into the chair. She dusts him off kindly, giving him barely a moment's time to reflect on his choices, and no sooner than he closed his eyes does he get back up to look himself over in the mirror. He doesn’t really feel any different, but he certainly does look different. He looks odd, off-balanced, maybe. He’s only half way finished with his work even as it felt like he were cutting off his hair an eternity. It’s not really that much different. There’s still lots of it and it’s still so fluffy and soft. Perhaps that’s just something he ought to accept as part of his image. 

“Lord, what a drag.” He mumbles to himself in the mirror, a mess as he’s always been. “This is a real pain, after all.”

“What a dorky boy, my adorable little brother is.”

She smiles, poking at his cheeks lightheartedly. Even as he swats her away, he feels good about himself at her words. Not that she directly said it, but it’s quaint to know even with a lopsided haircut and a shave of knicks and bruises to his skin he’s still an adorable child to someone. A cute and good hearted child. Though it’s not exactly his ideal, it seems to be exactly the type of person he’ll always be.

“Alright.” He says, with confidence this time, “Let’s try this again.”

 

☙♡❧

 

“Nito.”

Shuu calls out to him from behind, startling him just a bit. Not that Nito would ever openly admit to it, but he’s still unnerved by Shuu’s presence most days. He’s not a normal person, and he doesn’t mind that, but he’s abnormal in awkward ways that make him feel like he’s being crushed under the weight of his presence. A precious little crush by some weird guy he’s only met a few months ago, Shuu’s so inept and careless with his feelings. Nito can’t help but hate him, sometimes. At least, he hates the concept of Shuu. Sometimes.

“You’re hair’s getting rather long, don’t you think?”

Nito stops, turning his head to meet Shuu’s eyes with the same tired look he’s always happy to give.

“Doesn’t matter, does it?”

“Your image is everything, Nito. That is what it means to be an idol, correct?”

Nito shrugs his shoulders. He’s not really invested in that matter, just singing. He loves to sing for people, it could have been on anyone’s stage for all he cares to. Just as long as he gets to hear his own voice resonating through a crowd of people… That’s enough for him.

“It matters quite a lot, alright?”

Shuu says it with such concern one might think Nito’s actually insulted him. He always seems to take these things to heart, such a serious and sensitive boy this one is. Nito’s quick to dismiss him, regardless of how he responds he’ll always be hounded by this odd and alien boy, anyway. He hums out his acknowledgement and proceeds on to his class as intended, and just as expect Shuu’s always got something to say about it. 

“Come to my house today,” He suggests, quickening his pace to walk shoulder to shoulder with Nito. “I’ll tend to it. It’s difficult to think of such a thing, but I’m certain you would look much cuter if you styled your hair a little more, don’t you agree? Nito?”

He shrugs again, nothing to comment about it. He’s never cared to find out. His hair’s always been long and messy, just like his parents. When it’s too much, his mother trims it down, but as far as actually cutting and styling it, he’s never once bothered with it. Hair is just hair, to Nazuna Nito. Everything in life ought to be that simple, he thinks. 

But even if he doesn’t directly say it, of course he’s agreeing to it. Nito is arbitrary in his expression, but he does enjoy amusing Shuu on these matters. He’s an odd boy, certainly, but he’s equally fascinating to Nito. His art and such, he makes such beautifully robust and creative shows that most days Nito would really prefer to be in Shuu’s audience than be his prima donna. It’s a curse only beared by Nito, everyone else is just missing out, he thinks. 

When the school day does wind down, and he’s followed Shuu like a lost puppy to his home, he wonder how much of Shuu’s decisions are really made for the benefit of Nito. It seems Shuu’s thought long and hard about this prior to asking Nito what he thinks. He sees all sorts of little sketches thrown about and practice wigs he’s chopped up in different styles. Shuu’s a terrible friend, in this regard, a terrible partner, even. He’s always making these grandious decisions without ever consulting Nito on the matter, always acting out on his whims rather than what’s really best for them.

He’s an artist spoiled rotten. A child who’d cry to share his toys. Nito wonders how long it’ll take Shuu to burn out on all of this, doing so many things at once while refusing to reach out to him.

He supposes he’s no better. 

“I like your hair long, don’t you?”

He always frames his questions in that way, asking for Nito’s opinion without ever really considering it. He probably doesn’t even notice it himself, just how cruel his thoughts sound when Nito is well aware of his role in this world. He’s just an actor, a boy with a mask digging into his skin, so tight he’s really forgotten what his own self looks like. Just being sat in front of a mirror this long is beginning to make his skin crawl a little.

“Not particularly. It’s such a hassle, and it’s so girly. I kind of hate it, really. Just cut it all off.”

Shuu looks so appalled with him, begging him not to be so rash. It’s so easy to tease this boy, Nito thinks. He gets so flustered over the silliest of things, like he would genuinely die if Nito committed such an atrocity on himself. He covers his face to hide his smile. How childish he is, it really is a bit too much of a joy for him to taunt this oddly innocent Itsuki. Nito feels so mature and insightful and this boy, for all his elegant words and artistic expressions, is still such a child. He wonders if he’ll be able to hold back his laughter, just this much is probably enough a distraction that Shuu might cut his ear off admiring Nito’s smile.

“I think it would look cute to give your hair more layers, you know? Like this?”

Shuu holds up a picture from his desk, that he’d cut out of some kind of magazine. There’s lots of photos like that Shuu uses as references that Nito’s oft picking up for him. But of all the things Shuu does, he’s never really seen him so enthused before. Perhaps only on stage does Shuu shine this brightly with the sun in his eyes. 

_ It’s beautiful, _ Nito thinks. Radiant, even. 

“Doesn’t matter to me.”

Shuu nods at him in the mirror. He takes his time, combing meticulously through Nito’s hair, parting it and portioning it up to begin making his cuts. He’s got a much better set of tools now than when he were thirteen. An actual gown to lay over Nito’s shoulders that’s much better at catching hair than his old trash bags were. He’s got all sorts of scissors that he’s learned the job for every single one of them, amongst other things he’s bought in his years. 

It’s not directly his passion, but it’s a skill he’s most happy to utilize. He seems so normal in the corner of Nito’s eyes, as he’s forced to sit still, when he’s weaving his fingers through Nito’s hair. He seems so happy to get to work on someone else’s hair, maybe he’s never really tried this before. Not to this extent. He’s humming the songs they share together on stage just loud enough for Nito to hear, and he can almost understand Shuu. How soothing this experience is, being Shuu’s model and his partner. They’re peaceful things. They’re experiences Nito’s never had. He’d never really realized it until now, just how lonely he’s been all this time.

He wonders if Shuu’s the same.

“Do you like doing this?”

“I like it a lot,” Shuu says with an endearing blush dusting his cheeks. “It’s rather comforting to have someone trust you to do something so intimate, isn’t it?”

“Intimate…” Nito scoffs, but he’s not really wrong. He hadn’t thought of it that way at all, but now he, too, can feel his face burning. He really hopes Shuu doesn’t notice that. “How so?”

“People hide away in shame at even the thought of a bad haircut. It’s like putting someone’s life into your own hands.”

Shuu smiles, pulling back Nito’s head to look into his eyes.

“Of course, there’s also this. I feel the most at ease running my fingers through my dearest Nito’s hair. How precious it is that I must be the first on this planet to experience such a divine thing.”

Nito immediately pushes Shuu’s face away from him, thoroughly embarrassed with Shuu’s words. He doesn’t have to be like this, Nito thinks. He doesn’t have to always make things so awkward and weird, and yet he’s quite the master of it. Making Nito feel the gentlest little flutter in his heart at the thought of such things. They’re things he never considers unless Shuu says them outloud. He doesn’t think being pet is something so special or divine or righteous but Shuu always has those kinds of dramatic praises for him.

They’re different from the things other strangers would tell him, yet just as dehumanizing in a way he can’t decide how he’s supposed to feel. 

“Don’t be such a weirdo. You’re the only hair stylist who’d think a perverted thing like that.”

“You’re such a spiteful thing, Nito. I’m not being perverted, but honest.”

“Just hurry up, alright…”

He feels so embarrassed, and therefor antsy to get away from Shuu. He’s just like a rabbit, that if he stops running from his problems he’ll be eaten like prey by this enigma he knows as his friend. Perhaps that’s too dramatic of an analogy, though. Perhaps Shuu’s running off on him. There’s some respect to be had in him for Shuu, who’s so painfully honest at times about how deep his love runs. Nito can’t return it even a little bit, regardless of what he feels, which he must say he can’t really discern how it is he’s supposed to feel being adored so dearly by his friend. By a guy. By a weirdo like Shuu.

He doesn’t let it bother him. He closes his eyes and relaxes himself by singing back to Shuu. He loves singing, he’s always loved singing, but singing with Shuu is something more precious to him than the fear of being between lovers and friends. He’s not really putting up with Shuu to get to live to see those days, where they record new songs or perform on stage. Even if that’s how he frames it, these days he’s spent with Shuu, they were unexpected, to say the least. Shuu crashed right into Nito like a speeding car down the highway, but it doesn’t really change the fact they both survived it. They’re both sharing memories of being immature and childish, together. He feels like he’s catching up with a childhood he’s never had.

That even if Nito is vile, and cruel, and says everything he can think of to push Shuu away from him, this enigmatic being keeps coming back to him. He wonders how long he’s been searching for someone who might like him that much. He can’t really remember a time he’s spent without Shuu, even though their very first meeting was just a few months ago this very year. 

“What do you think?” Shuu prompts Nito out of his daydreams to open his eyes and see Shuu’s efforts. “I’m sure you don’t need to hear my own feelings.”

He stares at himself for a long time in that gaping abyss of a mirror. It does seem more stylish than before, more like a fancy dolls than how he’d seen himself before. It’s rather cute the way it wraps around his head, and how perfectly balanced it is. He looks just like the paintings Shuu used to describe his beauty in. A model. A product. A glorious inhuman.

“Cute.”

He says. It’s the only word he can think of, really. It’s the only word he’s ever been able to attach himself to. What a pitiful person he is, no matter how much it hurts he’s always falling right back to the trappings he’s set up for himself.

“You’re wrong Nito,” Shuu says, “You’re not cute. You’re beautiful.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment i guess  
> i'll try to get the rest out soon. i'm still writing the last few. i'm a lazy guy, yeah.


End file.
